The voice of my mom on the phone. She has her encouraging tone ready, because she knows that I'll probably need it.
As she starts telling me about the results of the blood test I did before leaving Italy, tears start running down my cheeks.
No I am not crying because I have high cholesterol.
I am crying because lately I have not been feeling at my best.
As my best friend put it: "this place is not good for my soul".
And after the call ends for the first time in a month or so I am almost sure I want to give up.
And in less than one hour I have put the machine to get me out of here ASAP to work, meaning that I talked with "authorities", I have told some of the people who I got closer to as well, I wrote emails to my school and so on.
Now I am in my bed and I try to think of what I really want.
Do I really want to go home? Or am I just running away because I don't want to face the fact that I am still a work in progress?
I think that lately I have been treating myself poorly.
Both mentally and physically.
It is funny to think how I would never hurt my body by depriving it from the food necessary for leaving, but I go ahead and try to fill up the void I feel inside by continuously eating and making unhealthy choices.
I have not been taking care of myself. I have not been loving myself. The only loving act towards myself has been trying to be patient, telling myself that it was just a moment and that I needed a break from self-judgment.
And I blamed the rest of the world (typical of me to play the victim) for my unhappiness.
I told myself that it was the lack of real connections that was destroying my self-confidence.
That's so stupid for me to say.
I rarely had real connections in my life.
And I proclaimed myself as an independent woman and above all a friendship-atheist.
In all of this, I always forget what I really am essentially: I am human.
And as a human being, I need the approval of others. Not as much as I needed it before, but I still need to hear that I am doing good sometimes. I need to share my thoughts and life moments with others. I was not born to be alone and I crave human connections, wether deep or superficial.
It is ok to feel weak. But we should never let this weakness dominate our life and be the leading force behind our decisions.
I still don't know what I will do. Tomorrow is another day and my mood swings are one of the most unpredictable natural phenomenons on this planet.
But I missed writing.
And the feeling of freedom coming from putting my thoughts in a
Updates will follow.
